Back Then, I Adored You

Wu Hao turned his gaze away from the school and lowered his head. He took one deep puff of his cigarette before he stubbed it out and tossed the butt into a trash can next to the light post. He continued to hold onto his umbrella and stand in the rain for a while before he stepped on the wet ground and headed back to the car.

 Just when he was about to start the car, he frowned. The familiar tormenting sensation began to surface in his body, and he knew his drug withdrawal symptoms were kicking in again. The symptoms had been coming on frequently, and each time they were worse than the previous time, as well as lasted longer. Tonight, his symptoms were becoming the most debilitating they had ever been.

 Eventually, Wu Hao couldn’t stand the pain anymore, and he reached out his hand and yanked hard at his hair. A bunch of hair pulled out of his head, and his scalp bled, but he had no relief. Wu Hao’s misery was so intense that he suddenly yearned to jam his foot on the accelerator and crash into the pier ahead of him but, at that same instant, the pain and sensation simultaneously stopped.

 Wu Hao felt as if he had just escaped death and was barely alive as he sat in the driver’s seat for a very long time. Finally, he forced his eyes open, and his gaze landed right on his own reflection in the rearview mirror. A streak of fresh, crimson blood oozed down his forehead, making his motionless, pale face appear sinister in comparison.

 He stared at his own reflection for a long time before he slowly lifted his hands and touched the mirror.

 Is this really me?

 I’m clearly dressed in luxurious clothes that make me look wealthy and alive, but why do I feel that I’m less of a man as compared to the times when I was poor and struggling?

 If I am still that ordinary Wu Hao, even though I might not have a lot of money, I probably would have already married Xu Wennuan. We might even have had a beautiful child by now.

 But what about the reality? So what if I am rich?

 I’ve ended up in a state where I am neither human nor demon… Was this the life that I truly wanted to live and the path that I truly wanted to take?

 With my withdrawal symptoms threatening to kick in anytime, even if I did win over Xu Wennuan, I probably would not be able to live normally with her.

 Furthermore, her heart is clearly no longer with me…

 The sound of Xu Wennuan’s voice as she called out Lu Bancheng’s name in her dreams that night suddenly resonated in Wu Hao’s ears.

 “Bancheng… Zero Degrees… Zero Degrees… Bancheng…”

 “Like you, I’ve known her for 10 years. I might even have known her much longer than you. You left her 10 years later and, while I also left her, I continue to watch over her.”

 “I accompanied her using my identity in the anonymous virtual world.”

 “Because she is a girl for whom I am willing to give my life.”

 “I already sacrificed myself and ended up in this state for her. Minimally, I need to ensure that my sacrifice is worthy.”

 Lu Bancheng’s words and Xu Wennuan’s dream mutterings echoed in Wu Hao’s ears repeatedly like a curse. When they had seared into his ears, he saw his heart crack open like a crevasse and then begin gradually crumbling.

 If it wasn’t for me, Lu Bancheng would not have been wheelchair-bound and neither would he exhaust all means to push Xu Wennuan away. Perhaps then, Xu Wennuan would not have needed to drown her sorrows with alcohol and to cry her heart out so desperately.

 Everything has happened because of me… I was a victim but also the chief culprit.

 He snapped out of his thoughts and drove his car toward the drug rehabilitation center.